<This unusual
direct mail piece commissioned by a creative agency called
Octopus Design, owned and run by two slightly whacky but
extremely talented people called Ivan and Charlotte.. The idea
was to send prospective clients what appeared to be a couple of
pages that had been torn from a weekly magazine.>
<PAGE ONE>
Old Pa
Ivan's
Recipes for Success!
Whether
you're planning something intimate for a few friends or
entertaining an entire industry, Old Pa Ivan's time-tested
recipes are sure to delight and impress. This week:
Octopus
Surprise
(Serves
everyone. Preparation time a week or two)
You will
need:
1 whole octopus
1 firm brief
1 budget (for best results choose the largest you can find).
1 pinch Special Octopus Marketing Mix (see fact sheet 23)
A selection of fresh ideas
1 bottle creative juice
1 handful fresh, crunchy copy
A sprinkling of attitude
Plenty of raw talent
Method
Place the octopus in a large melting pot and add the brief,
budget and fresh ideas, together with about half of the creative
juice. Season with a pinch of the Special Octopus Marketing Mix
then, stirring all the time, bring to the boil before allowing
to simmer in a hot studio. After a few days some colourful
concepts will start to emerge.
Remove the
concepts from the melting pot and set to one side. Examine each
one carefully from all angles and select the most promising.
(Note: don't discard the remaining concepts - they can be frozen
for use in future dishes.)
Blend your
chosen concept with the crunchy copy, raw talent, and the
remainder of the creative juice. Mix well and season with a
sprinkling of attitude. Add more fresh ideas if the mixture gets
too dry.
Return the
mixture to the melting pot and cook vigorously until the
deadline. Serve immediately.
<INSET>
Old Pa Ivan's top 3 whines of the week
To make your meal go with a bang, why not try one of
these traditional whines?
1.
'There's never enough hours in the day'
A good vintage whine with a sharp, acidic flavour and pungent
bouquet. Best served a week after the meal.
2.
'Who's budget is this coming from?'
Made from a complex blend of political undercurrants, this is a
must for experienced whine-lovers.
3.
'This was my idea'
A superb whine that goes with anything. Serve only with the
tastiest, most popular dishes. Should not be confused with the
rather inferior 'That was your idea.'
Planning a special celebration?
Call Ivan <xxxxxxxx> on 0118 xxx 4209, send him a fax on
0118 xxx 0118, or send an e-mail to ivan@octopus-xxxxxxx.co.uk
for FREE recipe advice!
<PAGE 2>
Ask Charlotte
Got a problem and don't know who to turn to? Write to
Charlotte for the answers to all your gritty sexual, emotional
and marketing problems.
Our
relationship isn't working
I've been seeing this agency for a couple of years now.
It was great at the start - they made me feel really special.
But now they just seem to love me for my budget. They never
listen to my ideas anymore. Should I move on, or is it possible
to recapture those golden days?
Yours,
Abused of
Aylesbury
Charlotte says...
Dear Abused,
Get a life! These people are clearly just milking you for your
money. It's time to find a partner that really loves you and
with whom you can build a long-term relationship, built on
mutual trust and creativity.
Yours,
Charlotte
~~~~~
He
wants me to do 'unnatural' things
When I first got together with this agency they seemed great.
Kind, considerate, creative - everything I could wish for! But
recently, they've been asking me to do things that just don't
seem right. Should I give in to their wishes? I don't want to
seem boring but, well...
Yours,
Worried of
Wokingham
Charlotte says...
Dear Worried,
When I looked at the pictures that you sent my heart sank.
Although not strictly illegal, some of the colour combinations
were certainly immoral and quite possibly dangerous. Of course,
provided you both feel comfortable there's no harm in trying out
new things. But this has to be in the context of a loving
relationship. My advice is to start a relationship with an
agency that will respect you for who you are.
Yours,
Charlotte
~~~~~
Very
flash - but sincere?
A year ago I fell for a new agency. It seemed they had
everything. Plush carpets, champagne briefings, chrome-and-glass
coffee tables. Oh, the glamour! But they seem hugely expensive
and they don't, when it comes down to it, actually do very much.
And then last week I discovered that they don't even do their
own repro - they sub it out. What should I do?
Yours,
Ripped Off of
Reading
Charlotte says...
Dear Ripped
Off,
I hear this all the time. Who do you think is keeping these
people in Ferraris and yachts? I'll tell you who. It's honest,
hardworking creative professionals like you and me, that's who.
Bastards. Give 'em the elbow and find an agency (preferably one
that does repro in-house) that will give you value for money.
Yours,
Charlotte
~~~~~
Worried
about my 'thing'
Just recently my voice has got deeper and I've started to grow
hair 'down there'. Is this normal?
Yours,
Horny of Hurst
Charlotte says...
Dear Ivan,
This is just a juvenile attempt to trick me into using the word
'penis' in a serious counselling feature. You've got some urgent
deadlines to meet at the moment, so get back to the studio and
concentrate on your work.
Yours,
Charlotte
~~~~~
Where
did all the excitement go?
I'm so bored. My agency keeps coming up with the same tired old
ideas and they never seem to do anything very creative. Their
visuals are dull, their design concepts laughable and their copy
makes me want to fall asleep. Should I finish the relationship?
Yours,
Bored of
Basingstoke
Charlotte Says...
Dear Bored,
Yes.
Yours,
Charlotte
~~~~~
Is he
being unfaithful?
Last month I came across a competitor's brochure. You can
imagine how shocked I was to see a striking similarity to a
brochure that I commissioned last year. I suspect that they use
the same agency as I do. I've tried to talk to the agency's
account manager about it, but he just laughs and says I'm
worrying about nothing. What do you think I should do?
Yours,
Suspicious of
Slough
Charlotte Says...
Dear
Suspicious,
Well, it's just possible that this may be nothing more than
unfortunate coincidence. If you're willing to believe this,
please send me a cheque for £500 for a free, personal
consultation.
Yours,
Charlotte
~~~~~
FREE
Advice
Write in confidence to Charlotte xxxxx, <address details
to appear here>. Alternatively, call her on 0118 xxx 4209, send
a fax to 0118 xxx 0118 or drop her an e-mail at <email address
to appear here>